Guarding My Heart From Evil

My life as any other life has its ups and downs. But through experiences I have gained many lessons and earned some amazing friends. I had never come across people who are toxic and evil. That was something you saw on TV or read about in the newspaper. They were stories that frightened you as you read the details of which sounded as if came from a horror film. It was the story of evil persons raping and murdering their loved ones or stealing from banks and stores. These were the definitions of “evil people” when I was growing up.


Over the past year I have come across people that have influenced my life dramatically. They are your typical people who mix in easily with a crowd. They are coaches, they are mentors and they are parents of small children. When you come across them you automatically trust them. They are nice. They help you when you need support and they are fun to be around. You never think that they would belong to a new more modern definition of “evil” until you fall victim to their plan. A person who has become evil and passive may show signs in a different manner. They do not physically harm you but they will affect you in a passive aggressive manner.

After completing some deep work over the past year in recognizing my own anxieties and weaknesses I discovered and researched some other illnesses that were affecting my life including people who are unhealthy and were affecting my life in a negative manner. I researched and read many books on what I was up against and found out some information so I could guard myself from them to keep me safe. Overall I learned who they were and how to protect myself from their illness.

A person suffering from this type of disease will create a feeling of insecurity in others so they may disguise their own insecurities. They make and create chaotic situations where ever they can and they use the victimization tool as their responses instead of recognizing their own weaknesses. Some other signs and situations are being chronically late or forgetting things, sulking, procrastination and obstructionism. They complete all of these tasks in a non-confrontational manner that would require a response. These types of people are usually within the workplace but they also can become visible in social settings as well.

As I found myself in a deep well of negative relationships I realized my own weaknesses. Once I understood their behavior I was able to make a healthy detachment from them and regain my sense of being and confidence. How wonderful it is to have that back!

Golfing!

So Fathers Day weekend came around and low and behold Pete was dateless for a much needed golf outing. As any good wife would do I boastfully volunteered to play golf along side him. Now people who really know me understand that sports is not really my cup of tea. I have never much enjoyed them or found a sport that I stayed with or enjoyed very much. Soon the morning came and Pete and I were getting dressed. As I was trying to find the perfect cute golf outfit Pete informed me that I had to wear a collared shirt! WHAT!?! I don't think I even own a collared shirt! He explained to me that golf is a very respectable sport and that we must look presentable and clean while we play. HA! This probably wont work for me I thought. I did find one collared shirt that worked but thought to myself that if I enjoy this sport I am going to have to do some clothes shopping. Golfing turned out to be a fun day with the hubby! We flirted, played, laughed and had a great time. I actually ended up burning a lot of calories too! I enjoyed my experience so much that I can't wait to go again! Yeah for me and finding a sport that I can enjoy!

"Mommy Time" Yes It Can Happen!

This has got to be one of the hardest, challenging yet rewarding time of my life! It's so hard to explain to people who do not have children and sometimes I feel guilty for saying it can be challenging because I have only two children. I have several friends and family members included that have 5 to 6 kids! I am a working mom of two daughters and a wife to a pretty neat guy! I come home each day from an exhausting day of working with kids and find my own children who are begging me for my attention and love. Some days I just don't have it. Some days I want to crawl onto the couch with a glass of wine and just relax like I have no care in the world. Very rarely does this happen. Getting dinner ready, lunches made for the next day, dropping off and picking up from extra-curricular activities, daily cleaning and then also finding time for my hubby. By the time that is all completed I am ZONKED! Soon it's off to bed with a headache and a wiped out 36 year old who has wondered where the day has gone. Where is down time? Where is "me" time? Most days I felt guilty for even sitting down for 10 minutes to read a book. There is always something that needs to be cleaned, a meal made, clothes changed and errands to run.

Things have just recently changed for the better. I still live the same crazy life of cleaner, caretaker, grocery shopper, bill payer, wife and mother but I have also fit in what I call, "Mommy Time."  This "Mommy Time" consists of any time away from the house for a minimum of 1 hour, away from family obligations and fulfilling no body's expectations but my own. It's perfect. My goal for "Mommy Time" is 3 days a week. The only way I have allowed myself to fit this in is having such a supportive husband. If that was not the case..."Mommy Time" would be non-existent.

"Mommy Time" can be a range of a variety of activities including working out, reading at Barnes and Noble, GNO (Girls Night Out), shopping, pedi's, and writing. The list can go on....as most of your mothers know.

The best thing about fitting in my "Mommy Time" is there is absolutely no guilt. It is like it has been erased from my mind. I have come to an understanding that in order for my family to function in a happy "state" I need to have some kind of down time. Just fitting this time in has made our little family even more healthier than it was before. It is really amazing how fitting in three hours a week for myself can change your whole family's dynamic and well being. It has actually been mandatory in my recovery.

I love coming home from work everyday now, I have the energy for my children, my husband and myself!

"Just Living is Not Enough, One Must Have Sunshine, Freedom and a Little Flower."

It has been along time since I have written in my blog. I guess life had just really taken over there for awhile. In November of 2010 my life really came to a hault when my family and I  went through what some people would call a "life changing experience." I don't want to get into the details of the experience but it really affected everything around me. When something like this happens you really have to sit back and let God take the wheel and trust in him that everything will work out. For the first time I really had to let him control everything. Strangely enough...it was not that hard to do and in the end there was success. I guess I felt as though whatever I was going through at the time wasn't working so somebody had to take the reins. I was at one of the lowest times of my life and I was trying to maintain a somewhat normal schedule for the girls. It was very hard, but I did it. I also had to go to work everyday and put a fake smile on my face, which come to find out, I did that often. Depression, stress, guilt, resentment was a front row seat in my life. I almost lost my teaching job and broke up my family. Hard times for me, Pete and the girls. I began seeing a therapist, which was one of the best decisions in my life. I have learned so much about myself and the healing process has begun. My school was unbelievably supportive and through all of the hard times I really established some great friendships with people whom I never thought I would be close to. So now here I am, 6 months later....and I feel like a new person! I have set up some very healthy boundaries with my family and with people I work with. I have released the negative people in my life who have affected me and it feels so tremendous! This whole process has really opened the doors to who my TRUE friends are.
Today, I am still working hard on this sole searching adventure but I feel I am getting better and better everyday. Things are falling into place so perfectly. I still have low days of course but I know how to handle them better. Above all I have distinguished the guilt and resentment that once harbored me and I am now moving on with my life. I wish my family and friends the same kind of peace that I am sitting with today. I am enjoying life, depending on God for everything and have fallen in love with Pete in a way I thought was never possible. I will leave you with this quote which I find so true. "What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him." Louis L. Mann

Jill